Years and years ago, I was extremely sick and didn’t know if I would live or die.  I had two tiny children, a horrible unknown illness that ruined every minute of every day, and I was panicked over the thought of losing my life and leaving these precious ones.   

My brain was not functioning well and my thoughts would not flow. My memory did not work. I was living a moment by moment nightmare. Even sleep was no respite because in dreams I would find torment.

I was exhausted in the fear of leaving my most loved possessions- my precious daughter and my precious son -at such young ages.  I was terrified. My poor babies- it’s all I could think or feel.  I know that without them, I would have given up.  But with them, I could not.  My children’s presence saved my life I believe because they impacted my will to overcome.

Daily I was upset with God at the torment I was experiencing. I trusted Him but I just didn’t, couldn’t understand the horror that I was living.   My mind often went to Lazarus- that I was not yet dead so if God could bring Lazarus back to life, I must have a chance.

One morning when I was struggling beyond measure to just put one foot in front of the other, I walked into the bathroom, crying and pleading to the Father to at least tell me if I was going to live or die.   I felt desperate and at the end of everything in me.  I had to know.  I had to prepare.  I had to.  He simply had to tell me.  I would accept whatever He said.

At that moment I looked into the mirror and words came out of my mouth that I knew were not my own.   I couldn’t understand what they meant.  But I could remember what they were.  So I walked back to my bed, sat, and immediately wrote them down to try to figure them out.   I don’t know that I will ever forget them.  It has now been over three decades since that day.

“To live is not to have life.  To have life is to live.”

He taught me what He meant.   To be alive in our bodies does not mean that we are alive.   To have Him in us, His Spirit, His love, His joy, His peace-  is to have life.   

He came to bring us life and life in abundance.  Abundant life is to have an abundance of Him in our lives.  (And He just now spoke this to me.  Wow.  Yes, Lord. Be with us in Your abundance!)

To be transparent, those words meant much more to me in the years to come than they did in the moment.  I remember knowing that I would eventually appreciate them but at the time, I was just upset that He had not given me the answer I sought.

Indeed, He gave me so much more.

This entry was posted in Acceptance, Faith, Forgiveness, Free Will, How to be a Christian, humility, Life and Death, Love, Peace, prayer, Spiritual growth, Spiritual Warfare, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to TO LIVE

  1. James Brooks says:

    What a testament.

    James Brooks Sent from my iPhone


  2. says:

    WOW! This one is certainly a jewel!!!! Xoxox Deb

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