Job 13:15 Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.

Sometimes I just don’t get God.  And I get angry at Him.  Tonight is one of those times.   Fortunately He can handle my anger.  After all, He is God, right?   I hate it when I hit these places where He doesn’t make sense to me and I want Him to make sense.

A friend of mine posted on facebook to pray, urgently, for a person I didn’t know.  I clicked on the link to see a young boy- maybe 2 or 3, attached to many wires, lying in a hospital bed.   He was a victim of a near drowning accident. I prayed.  I prayed hard.  I cried.  I don’t even know this child but all I could see was my own grandchildren and what it would feel like, if HEAVEN FORBID, it were one of them. Oh my God! I prayed with everything in me!

And then he died- minutes later when the post refreshed, there it was.   And then I cried even more.  And now I’m just mad at God.   I mean after all, WHY???  He was innocent! He was a child! His parents will never be the same! So many people were praying!

This happened just at the time that there are so. many. things.  I have prayed long and hard about that don’t seem to change.  There are SO many things that I’ve wanted Him to prevent or to cause happen or to change.   These are things that aren’t preferences.  These are things that must be His will.  I’m praying His will but yet they don’t change!  Why did this child have to die tonight?    There were thousands of believers praying for him!   It just doesn’t make sense!  Who IS this God we say we serve?   What kind of God would let these things happen?

Let it out, self.  Just let it out.  It has to come out.  It’s raw, it’s real, it’s hard stuff.   He can handle it.   He cares that you are angry and He understands.   Let it out.  Don’t pretend what you are feeling isn’t real.  Don’t discount it.   Jesus cried out- “My God my God, why hast thou forsake me?”  You’re in good company.  Let it out.   Don’t stuff it.  Don’t go all “churchy” on me.   Be real, be transparent, be raw.

Honestly, at the end of the day, I seriously just don’t get it sometimes.   I don’t get it at all.  I watch people I love with my whole heart struggle to be free, struggle to do the right thing, struggle with their own value and worth, struggle to make the right decisions and end up making ones that hurt them.  I watch friends who have so much to live for struggling to stay alive because of illness.   Why aren’t they healed?  WHY?  Why have I struggled with this debilitating illness for my entire adulthood?  Why do I have to feel so awful physically on most days of my life?  There are so many thing I want to do!  I’m a caged bird and why won’t You just heal me, Lord?

Though He slay me, yet will I serve Him.   That’s what Job said and sometimes, honestly, that’s exactly the way I feel.  Tonight, I feel like He’s been slaying me and slaying many of those I love and I can’t see through the eyes of grace and I can’t see through the eyes of love and I can’t see through the eyes of peace.  They are there, I know they are, and I will be back there but for now, I’m just not.  And that’s honest and that’s truth.  And He wants us to live in truth- with HIm.

Tonight all I can do is remember the words of a favorite song of mine, written by Twila Paris (yes I’m old) for Melody Green after her husband, Christian music artist Keith Green and all but one of her children plus the one yet to be born, died in a plane crash.

The words are basically- Do I trust you Lord?   Please read them.  Please listen to her sing.  “I will trust You, Lord, when I’m blind with pain, You were God before and You’ll never change”

And a the end of the day, at the end of the tears, at the end of the anger, that is the question.

Do I trust you Lord?

Yes. I trust You.

Takeaway:   God is God and we are not.  We aren’t going to understand all of the why’s.  And we are therefore confronted with who is God and who is not in our lives.    Even when we don’t get it,  even when it makes no sense, even when we are angry or confused or frustrated, we have to know who is God in our lives. Is it us or is it Him?  And, we have to be honest with HIm- transparent and real- in order to find our way through the deep questions and the dark places.   He’s there, too. 

Prayer:  Father, I trust You.  Help me to trust You more.    Thank You for letting me be real and raw and even be angry with You.   Thank You that You can handle my anger.    Bring me peace even then-  even when I don’t understand. I worship you and praise you, tonight  as a sacrifice, knowing full well that You are God and I am not.  

(An hour later…..)

And now, after releasing it all, I find relief-  peace, freedom, sadness and acceptance.  Tomorrow, I’m sure hope will be with me as well.   That’s how He rolls in my life. I’m honest with Him and He meets me where I am.  Thank you, God.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=essnbl7pbAk

DO I TRUST YOU LORD-   Twila Paris

Sometimes my little heart can’t understand
What’s in Your will, what’s in Your plan
So many times I’m tempted to ask You why

But I can never forget it for long
Lord, what You do could not be wrong
So I believe You even when I must cry

Do I trust You, Lord? Does the river flow?
Do I trust You, Lord? Does the north wind blow?
You can see my heart, You can read my mind
And You’ve got to know, I would rather die
Than to lose my faith in the One I love
Do I trust You, Lord? Do I trust You?

I know the answers, I’ve given them all
But suddenly now, I feel so small
Shaken down to the cavity in my soul

I know the doctrine and theology
But right now they don’t mean much to me
This time there’s only one thing I’ve got to know

Do I trust You, Lord? Does the robin sing?
Do I trust You, Lord? Does it rain in spring?
You can see my heart, You can read my mind
And You got to know I would rather die
Than to lose my faith in the One I love
Do I trust You, Lord? Do I trust You?

I will trust You, Lord, when I don’t know why
I will trust You, Lord, till the day I die
I will trust You, Lord, when I’m blind with pain
You were God before and You’ll never change

I will trust You, I will trust You
I will trust You, Lord
I will trust You, I will trust You
I will trust You, Lord

I will trust You, I will trust You
I will trust You, Lord